TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely out of area. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have A different put where American men can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Anyone a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. Trump Tower Damascus It's that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where company could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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